Dark thoughts

Sometimes I can’t but think that most people in my life would be better off if I were gone. I want to give up trying anymore. I suck at Macy’s, I suck at the paper, and I’m terrible about helping with the house clean up. I’m lazy and wasteful and just take up space. My tummy and butt are forever expanding and I can’t do anything right. I’ll never be the right person at the right time. I’ll never be someone’s best friend, I’ll never have someone I trust 100%. So why bother trying anymore….

A few weeks ago I invited a (good) friend to dinner. I was turned down but in a strange way. If anything else had been said, I would have likely been fine. I was told that they were seeing someone and it would be a very long time before they went anywhere with anyone other than this person. To say I was offended is an understatement. I haven’t attempted a conversation with this person since.

My college roommate came to Denver for an event downtown last weekend. It was great to see her. I took her and Henry to breakfast and we all had a nice long talk. She talked about her daughter and how she was doing and Henry talked about his ex-girlfriends’ kids. Like they are his kids. It’s disheartening for me to hear. I want him to tell me “Just go away.” But he won’t. And I don’t want to walk away and lose another friend.

Life is hard. It’s harder when you’re fat.

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2 responses to “Dark thoughts

  1. 😦

    I know how you feel. I really do. I’ve been there before. I just wanted to reassure you that I value our friendship deeply. You’re the only friend I have that’s stuck beside me through everything, even when the others abandoned me, and when I probably wasn’t the most pleasant of people to talk to. That says a lot.

    Life is hard, you’ve got that right, and I know as well as you do how judgmental people are. It shouldn’t be that way, but they are. Remember though that’s not a defect on you, but on those who insist on passing judgment.

  2. That sounds like a very weird thing to say. People can behave very strangely when they are in relationships. Love can make people turn really fucking dumb for some reason.
    I would be upset if I had a partner who spoke about their ex’s children like that.
    It sounds like maybe you’d be better off without them, rather than them without you!

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