I love it!

I’ve been reading about some great things happening lately for friends and acquaintances. And I am genuinely happy for them. Some of you have fought for so long, you deserve it.
At the same time, I’m wallowing in self pity. I almost actually hate myself. Today, I had to fill out a sheet for my weight loss program again. One of the questions was what I’d want them to say to me if I stopped coming in before meeting my goal weight. I so wanted to say that I should just kill myself. That if I can’t even stick to something As simple as an eating plan, why bother with anything else? Why bother living? I hate that I’m so ok with the idea that I could die and nothing would change for anyone.
People might mourn me a bit but not too many. If I died, I’d not have to worry about anything. I miss the days where my biggest concern was getting my chores done so I could go read my books. Life was much simpler then…

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One response to “I love it!

  1. Oh to be a kid again, eh?

    Anyway, you know as well as I do that I’ve been in your exact position before, and not that long ago either. I won’t bother you with platitudes as I know as well as anyone that it doesn’t help. At times it seems like it never ends.

    It’s kind of a backwards world to think that awful things happen to good people while seemingly bad people seem to have all the success (it’s been suggested that most top executives have a sociopathic personality, as do most politicians).

    Take it from me, though, that things change usually when you least expect it. Perhaps that’s a bit Pollyannaish, but such has been my experience. Also, hold firm in your faith. Though we are of different faith traditions, I believe that God looks after all of his own.

    I respect your bodily autonomy, however. I won’t try to talk you out of committing suicide as I regard it as an individual right that should not be infringed upon. I just hope you explore all options and I still believe it should be a last resort. (And, FWIW, I find the teaching that those who commit suicide automatically go to hell deplorable; I have a hard time imagining God being cold and callous that way.)

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