I’m having another “what the Hell is wrong with me?” night. Two nights in less than a week where I couldn’t sleep because I’m thinking too much about all the people I was there for in their times of need who just walked away. I’m not in need, really. But when the only response you get to “I’m having surgery” is “I’ll pray for you” after you spent days at the hospital with this person when they had surgery themselves, it’s disappointing. Like I’m not worth the time it takes to even send a message asking how it’s going. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I should be less supportive of friends. I’ve gone to doctors appointments with these people, entertained them when they’re down, and put my own needs aside to perform like a dancing monkey. It just hurts my feelings that I mean so little to do many.

My family, Henry, and various friends across the country and the metro area: thank you. For everything. All the time.


2 responses to “

  1. I know I’m not the best at showing it, but I really do appreciate you. You’re pretty much the only friend I have now that I actually talk to on a regular basis. Just know whatever path you choose to follow (so long as it’s not a path to self-destruction!) or whatever medical procedure you undergo (either necessary or elective) I’ll be here for you and will support you.

  2. Here’s the thing: Don’t be so quick to punish yourself because you’re not getting what you need out of some of your friends. Just because they disappoint you doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, especially because you have an abundance of compassion for these people. The problem is that they aren’t reciprocating it, which doesn’t mean that you were wrong to have been there for them in the first place, but it can mean that you may need to pick better friends, or at least emotionally disinvest yourself from the people who are proven to disappoint you so that you’re not hoping to see things that others that they are either unwilling or incapable of providing.

    Here’s a thought: you’re disappointed because your friends don’t reciprocate your love for them, but how do you think Jesus feels about humanity after dying on the cross?

    I don’t think that you should overall be less supportive of people. But maybe you shouldn’t invest as much personal or emotional energy into people who aren’t going to do the same for you. You get out of relationships what you put into them.

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