Self-worth and the effects of its lacking

I am still going to the weight loss program. But, I’m not losing any weight.

I will follow “plan” every day. I will take all my supplements in the mornings and at lunch. I will eat vegetables with every meal. I will eat clean proteins.

But afterwards, I will eat three slices of pizza or a gigantic Chipotle (or Qdoba yum!) burrito with all the fixins. I’ll drink three wine coolers in one evening. I’ll have cake, or pie, or ice cream. And then I’ll feel bad and swear not to do it again, to take better care of myself. I’ll promise to go to the gym and do more than cardio.

But I don’t. My mind says yes but my body says “Just one more burrito. Just one more slice. Just one more wine cooler. We’ll go to the gym tomorrow and we’ll get it done.”

But there will always be one more slice, one more wine cooler, one more burrito, one more tomorrow.

And I hate it. I hate that I can’t even stand up to myself anymore. I’m a fucking bully to myself and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept. I wish I would just calm the heck down and be healthy. Not for my physical health alone, but for my mental health as well. I deserve better and I’m giving myself every opportunity, but I’m just brushing it aside.

There’s a “devil” inside me and I can’t figure out what will push it out.

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One response to “Self-worth and the effects of its lacking

  1. I know the feeling – tonight I bought 10 cigarettes, smoked 2, then through the rest away and swore I’ll never smoke again. That’s about the 5th time I’ve done that in 2 weeks!

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