On fresh beginnings

Every day is a fresh beginning. That day you can make important choices. What you have for breakfast sets you for the rest of the day. How you dress that day, what pants, what shirt, what accessories, what shoes. Each of those sets you for the day. If you dress to the nines, it’s more likely that you’ll feel better about yourself. If you dress in mismatched clothes, not effort at all, that’s how you’re going to feel the rest of the day. I’m not even worth the effort to myself, so why would anyone else put forth any effort?

For several months, I stopped brushing my teeth regularly, maybe 2-3 times per week. I showered every day but still had horrendous dandruff. I combed my hair but that’s it. I’d put on the clothes that fit that day, typically dirty pants, dirty bra, clean shirt, underwear and socks, and head off to work. I’d sit in traffic for about 45 minutes to an hour before getting to work. I’d stop at McDonald’s and grab breakfast: two breakfast burritos, two hash browns, and sometimes an oatmeal or a McGriddle. I’d never get a drink because I hate the taste of their coffee, even with cream and sugar.

I’d head to work and offer one hash brown and one burrito or oatmeal to my coworker. If she turned me down, I’d eat it all. I’d feel horribly full but I couldn’t help myself. The grease would sit in my stomach all day. When lunch would come around, I wasn’t hungry. I would put off eating until after my coworkers had finished, typically eating at my desk. I’d tell myself and my coworkers that I was going to change. I’d be healthy tomorrow. And the next day, I’d do the same thing again. My trashcan at work was overflowing with McDonald’s bags and I was disgusting to myself.

But every day, I had the choice to eat breakfast at home, the opportunity to start on a good, healthy footing. And sometimes I would but there would still be that desire to be unhealthy. I don’t know who I’m trying to convince that I’m in control because I’m not. Food is in control. I will buy a Chipotle burrito and eat it in my room like a naughty child because I don’t want my family to know exactly what I’ve eaten. And then when I think about it afterwards, there is  knot in my stomach and I ask myself “What the hell are you doing?!”

And I swear to eat healthy tomorrow, that this is the last burrito, the last meal out. Tomorrow comes and there is another takeout bag, another cafe receipt. And I can’t get away from the fact that even in my own eyes, I’m a failure. A horrible, disgusting, whale of a failure. And I hate myself just a little bit more each day.

Here is a blog post from July 16, 2012. I was so positive then!

“I have committed to a program that teaches me how to eat healthy and maintain healthy eating habits for life. It is proven to work (my mom just finished her program looking great!) and I am VERY interested. There is also a guarantee. I weighed in at 234.25 yesterday. I’m 5’4”. Go me. My final goal is 145. That’s just under 90 pounds that I need to lose. This is not only a change for life (I’ve started having health changes due to my obesity bummed) but a financial investment. I know I will never be a size 6. I have absolutely NO chance of ever getting there, due to my, um, ASSets. So, my goal size is a 12, but my program originator is estimating that I could be down to a size 10 or 8. But, I have not been that small for more than 10 years.

I am worried about a few things, though. I don’t want to look too thin, a la my mother. She is skin and bones. Her skin is just hanging off of her, making her look a bit older than she is. I’m afraid of losing weight too fast and having a bunch of excess skin and just looking weird. I might be thinner but I most certainly won’t feel comfortable nekkid with that. I will eventually have to buy new clothes. The ones that will be most bothersome would of course be bras. And pants. I think I can continue to wear the same shirts for a while but when my pants can be pulled down while still buttoned and zipped, I’ve got a problem. Although, that might be helpful in the bedroom winky I will be smaller than most people have ever seen me.

I am committed. I will do this. Have a good night!”

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2 responses to “On fresh beginnings

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