This time of year is always difficult

I so want to help people. I want to buy toys for charity and be there for friends and acquaintances. I want to make the season bright for someone who doesn’t have a bright spot in their life.

But I want to be picky. I want to donate to a trusted charity, not just some random guy with a bell outside the grocery store. I want to actually see my money in action. I want to bring brightness and happiness to others who have done the same for me.

I know this is childish, but I have not forgotten and I have not forgiven. I know that some people could really use my help but I just simply don’t want to. I did everything right. I graduated high school, went on to college, made it through unscathed and even graduated early. I got a job right away and have held onto it for five years. So why should I bother helping the person who messed around for years, doing drugs and being promiscuous?

I want to be the kind of person who helps those in need, no matter what, but I feel like right now, I need to put my own oxygen mask on before I can help anyone else. I mean, what happens if I help this girl and she drags me down? What if I somehow get involved with the police or she gets me arrested? What if she just costs me money and time and respect from my job? That’s not a lot in the grand scheme of things but I’m still young and have a long time of earning left to live.

That sounds so selfish. But right now I want to be selfish. I want to go back to a year ago when she wasn’t in my life and I was happy that way.

This time of year always finds me questioning myself and my own moral compass. Here’s hoping I can actually sleep tonight and not wake up already stressed out.

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